寬宥之南

當人們有選擇的時候，多數人不會選擇原諒。

如果家人傷害你，你若忍住怒氣不發，家裡的氣氛就會逐漸變得無法承受。這就是為什麼我們通常會找出方法來原諒我們愛的人，因為其他選擇的代價太大了。

有時候，關鍵因素不在跟傷害我們的人有多親近，而是在傷害的程度。就算傷害我們的人遠在千里之外，或甚至死亡了，但只要傷痕夠深，生活就會逐漸變得無法忍受。這就可能使得『原諒』成為唯一的出路。

「為自己犯了錯感到遺憾」和「因為犯了錯為自己感到遺憾」之間的界線是相當細微的。在我看來，我們通信聯絡期間湯姆有幾次跨過了這條線，讓我感受到壓力，自己似乎得為了「他自認是個可怕、不值得同情的失敗者」而感到難過。我總覺得要我去同情湯姆，不僅荒謬而且也不合道理，再則也因為我相信，如果有人深信自己不值得救贖，這想法肯定會阻礙他做出任何有建設性的事情。

我是可以把你想成『強暴犯』，至少是『我的強暴犯』。不過這並不是事實，更別說它和『你到底是什麼樣的人』幾乎沾不上一丁點邊。就像我曾經喝到爛醉，並不因此就讓我變成了『酒鬼』。我偶爾會說謊，這不表示我是個『騙子』。我被人強暴，這不表示我就是個『受害者』。人在一生之中都會做好事和壞事，我的重點是：我是個人，不是個標籤。我不能把自己簡化成那一晚發生的遭遇，你也不能。

你毀了我心裡某樣東西，某樣在我遇見你之前是完整無缺的東西。我在那之後花了好幾年的時間，跌跌撞撞地尋找著合適的黏著劑，想把碎片黏合起來。有時，我會在派對中的空酒瓶底找尋；有時，我會從自己身體上的極限找尋，但多數時間裡，我在其他人身上找尋黏著劑。如你所知，我不認為自己可以融入所謂的『正常人』，因為我有一個又大又醜陋的祕密，所以會認同那些一樣有祕密要隱藏的人。多數時候，他們的祕密也很醜陋。
你不是唯一對我採取暴力的人。
不過，你卻是第一個清空道路的人，為那些之後的人舖路。那些不斷要我屈服，直到我放棄為止的人，讓我從裡到外留下傷痕。
不要誤會我的意思，我並沒有要你為其他人施加的暴力負責。每個案例的掠奪者都該為自己的行為負責。然而若真要回答『你對我的生活造成怎樣的影響』，答案是你造成了連鎖反應，湯姆。在你灑出了我的血之後，我發現水裡全是滿滿的鯊魚。

「我們已經原諒了所有的事情。這是繼續往前的唯一方法。」

如果我不想跟他們上床，他們就會說我是因為被強暴所以變成了性冷感。想證明他們錯了的心理，會讓我在不情願的情況下，還是跟對方發生關係。不過，情緒上的操弄還是最糟的，如果我不贊同或是質疑他們的行為，他們就推說是因為強暴讓我變得不穩定和不理性。這些很明顯都是屁話和傷害，我也因此知道因單一事件而被其他人定義、歸類的滋味。

－－《寬宥之南 South of Forgiveness: A True Story of Rape and Responsibility》Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger

All Is Well - Austin Basham

All Is Well
Austin Basham

I know what it isBut I'm hoping that all is well
No harvest of green
But it's still my heart to sell
I put everything I had
Into something that didn't grow
Like going on a wild hunt
Shooting arrows without a bow

But lord, you know it's true
I only want to be with you
Oh, you know it's true
I only want to be with you

Death is stopping by
And I'm hoping it's not too late
A filthy bishop to thank
Shaking hands into a fatal stalemate
Trading riches for love
Knock a year or two off of the pin
So got a hundred left to serve
Standing hopeless uncork the gin

But lord, you know it's true
I only want to be with you
Oh, you know it's true
I only want to be with you

Cause all your love
I left it at the door
Don't stop the skies
Let them rain
Let them pour
All your love
I left it at the door
Don't stop your heart
Let it rain
Let it pour
Don't stop these tears
Let them rain
Let them pour
Oh, let them pour
Oh, let them pour
And let them pour

Woe is me
Weary soul
Heeding grief
Your love in my heart
Feels like the ocean breeze
Said your love in my heart
Feels like the ocean breeze

Recording 15 - Shannon Lay

Recording 15
Shannon Lay

I don't want to feel what I feel
I don't know what's real anymore
I don't want to feel what I feel
I just want to be with you
I just want to talk with you
I've lived without your touch
For so long that it fades from my memory
I'm so hungry for your touch
I just want to know how you feel

Should I forget you
Should I hold onto
Those precious days so long ago now
I really just want to give my love to you
But you're far away now

The thought that you're out there somewhere
Comforts and confuses my mind
I know we both got things to do here
I just want to dream with you

Should I forget you
Should I hold onto
Those precious days so long ago now
I really just want to give my love to you
But you're far away now

I'm tired of playing the fool
What am I supposed to do?
I want you to be in it too
I'm tired of spilling my life
When there's no one to pick it up

So should I forget you
Should I hold onto
Those precious days so long ago now
I really just want to give my love to you
But you're far away now
You're far away now
So far away now
You're far away now

I'll never forget you
I'll always hold onto
Those precious days so long ago now
I'll always just want to give my love to you
But I'll keep it for now